And the BT fun goes on and on and on.

After twice promising to waive their evil, immoral - and undoubtedly illegal - reconnection fee, BT once again reneged. They had no record, they said, of promising to waive the charge - or rather their system had no record.

Now, I'm pretty sure the operator had typed something into his computer - I remembered hearing keys clacking, after all - which leads me to think that either this "system" has the memory of a goldfish, or BT are simply just a bunch of lying, conniving rotters.

I have a degree in Computer Science and worked as a software engineer for more than a decade. Generally we don't engineer software to be this shit.

So am I being lied to?

Rather than waive the fee, as they had twice promised to do, they now offered us a 15% discount. What a bargain! They disconnect you without warning or permission, force you into a twelve month contract with them against your will, charge £125 to reconnect you, but now you only pay £106.25. What other mugger would offer you such a good deal?

"Give me all the cash in your wallet!"

"No!"

"Erm... Ok. Give me 85% of the cash."

Yeah. Right.

This time, however, I was away from home, so BT spoke to my partner, Caragh. She can be pretty fierce, take it from me, and I think BT might have met their match with her. So... finally - FINALLY - the wicked corporate goldfish monster relented. They admitted that they were in error, again, and they waived the fee, again.

I didn't trust them. I phoned.

"You've really cancelled that ridiculous fee?"

"Yes."

And they actually had. With a massive sigh of relief, I asked them to lift the restrictions on my phone. They had disabled outgoing calls from our phone because I wouldn't pay their outlandish charge in the first place. Now that they'd realised their mistake, I just wanted to forget about the last two months of fighting them. I wanted my phone working again.

"It will cost you £12," they said.

"But no," I said, quietly and patiently. "You disabled my phone because I didn't pay your £125. Now you have admitted charging me in error and removed the charge. I am not paying you to lift the restrictions."

"The restrictions were placed on the phone because you didn't pay the remainder of the bill, the advance line rental, call charges and processing fee."

"But all that amounts to... about £38," I said. "And you'll see that I paid you a £50 deposit in December, just like you asked me to. Is my maths rusty, or don't you now owe me £12?"

"No. That £50 was a deposit. You'll get that back in 6 months. You still owe us £38. We'll add the £12 charge for lifting the restrictions to you next bill."

I gave up. I'd had enough. I sighed. I paid. When I have enough energy to continue dealing with them, I'll fight this second charge. I don't care if it's £12 or £1200, or 12p. It's the principle of the thing. You have to stand up to muggers and fight back.

And then I realised that the cash I'd just paid them included a £4.50 "payment processing fee."

Payment processing fee? Surely BT don't charge you for paying them money? That couldn't be right, could it?

"What's this payment processing fee?" I asked.

"If you don't pay by direct debit, we have to charge you £4.50 to process your payment."

"But I paid by debit card."

"Yes but we still have to process it."

I thought about this. "How much is does it cost to process the processing fee?" I asked. "If you charge me for paying my bill, then what's the charge for paying the charge?"

"Nothing."

"Why? If you don't charge to process the processing fee, why do you charge to process the bill? Can't you just process the bill in the same way you process the processing fee - you know... the free way?"

They said, "The bank charges us £4.50 every time we accept a payment by debit card."

"FOUR POUNDS FIFTY!? My bank charges you £4.50 every time I use my debit card?"

"Yes."

"But that's ridiculous!" I exclaimed. "I've used my debit card thousands of times, for small purchases as well as large ones. If they charged a shop £4.50 every time I spend a fiver on my card, the shop wouldn't make any money. Nobody would accept debit cards."

I get the feeling that BT are lying to me again, but I will give them the benefit of the doubt one last time. I'll go into my bank on Monday and confirm that they do indeed charge BT £4.50 every time I use my debit card. If my bank doesn't charge this much, then this seems to me to be a case of fraud, and it becomes a matter for the police.

Before I hung up, I asked them again to send out my compensation form. If it doesn't turn up within a week, then I'll lodge an official complaint with OFCOM. I also asked them to confirm they have the right address. Four times now, I've asked them to change it, and four times they have changed it. And four times it has mysteriously changed back to the wrong address.

They still had the wrong address. They changed it again. Fifth time lucky? Will it stay that way? Or will BT's computer system continue to swim around and around, gaping at the insides of its bowl?

Meanwhile, I'll continue to wait for them to return my deposit, which will have risen from £50 to £54.50, once I include the processing fee.

More fun with BT

BT finally agreed to send out the compensation claim form. By my calculations they owe me about £250 for travelling expenses I incurred, for loss of phone service, and for calls made to BT the service centre to try to sort out the fruits of their incompetence.

A week later and the claim form has still not arrived. It turns out BT still had the wrong address on their database, despite me asking them to correct it three times. Only one out of God knows how many letters has reached me. And that one was a bill.

They still want me to pay £125 because they cut me off by mistake.

In order to let OFCOM deal with this, I need to give them my BT account number. BT refuse to tell me what my account number is (for security reasons). It was on the one slip of paper they sent me, they said, but that has now vanished (my fault -- I think I shredded it in despair and confusion.) I asked them to send another copy, so that I could read my account number printed on the top. They agreed. The copy didn't arrive. Gone to the wrong address, I presume.

Yesterday I phoned the service centre in India again. After explaining the whole story for the thirty-eighth time, and another 45 mins or so on hold. They apologised and agreed to waive the £125 charge. But the bastards have areed to do this before. Just like they agreed to compensate me. It doesn't mean anything. It's their special kind of torture.

ME: "You'll waive the fee? At last. But I still can't use my phone. Can you switch it back on please?"

THEM: "You need to call 0800 800 150, and ask them to lift the restrictions from your line."

ME: "Do you have a reference number or something you can give me? I guarantee that when I phone them up nobody will know anything about this."

So they gave me another number. It's like a lottery - maybe this one will work. I phoned the other service dept, gave them my reference number, and waited on hold for another 45 mins for them to switch my phone like back on.

They didn't switch it back on. Nobody had any idea what was going on. The reference number didn't help. They said they had to investigate and that they'd call be back within 4 hours.

"You won't call me back," I said. "You never call back when you promise to."

"We will. We promise."

They didn't. My phone is still disconnected.

So I called them back today. Now BT has no record of agreeing to waive the £125 fee. No record of my complaint. No record of anything. According to their system I still owe them £125, and its rising. The compensation claim form has still not arrived. It might never arrive. My phone doesn't work. It might never work. I will probably never know by BT account number, so OFCOM won't help.

They've promised to call back.

They Mugged me Again

BT have now disconnected me for non payment of the £125 reconnection fee.