The New York Literary Agency

"Yesterday upon the stair
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
I wish that man would go away."

Hughes Mearns (1895-1965)

The strange case of the literary agent who might -- or might not -- actually be there.

One group which has been the subject of much controversy is The New York Literary Agency. Some people claim the NYLA are not interested in selling the books of those writers they represent. This agency allegedly makes money by referring writers to a sister company who charge for critiques, editing, and whatever else they can think of.

Yet the NYLA website insists:

"We DO NOT charge fees."
"We mainly look for COMMERCIAL VIABILITY"

There's a FAQ on the website which states:

Q) How does the process work?
A) First, please read our submission guidelines and fill out our query form. After that is received and reviewed positively we will request that you email us some portion of your work.

They ask would-be clients to submit the title of their novel, a brief synopsis, the author's bio, and a bunch of other stuff. They will, they claim, review each query before asking to see more.

So they're selective, right?

To see just how selective they are, I gave myself a pseudonym and contrived a query for Sherry Fine, the V.P. of Acquisitions, to review. Using their online form, I submitted this:

The Title of Your Work: Deadly Sparking Diamonds

Synopsis: Deadly Sparlking Diamonds is a work of fiction concerning housewife Sue Neems who is actully a secret agent in G.A.S.H! (God's American Soldiers of Hope!) She has advenutres with her dog Nibble, dodging a wicked gypsy called Doctor Smiley who wants her DEAD! Except she beats Doctor Smiley in the end and her and Nibble ends up saving these orphan kids from a burning factry. At the very end they go on a criuse.

Your Bio: Vicky Neems was born in Staines. She is happly married to her husband Dennis and they have seven children and twelve grandchildren. She has been writting since an early age and has completed many poems although this is her first novel. She lives in Staines.

To be fair, I didn't hold out much hope of obtaining a positive review. How could Ms Fine express interest in an author who had incorrectly spelled the title of her own book, twice, who had named the protagonist after herself, and who was probably illiterate? However, a few days later the following email arrived:

Thank you for your query to the New York Literary Agency. Based on your query form information we would like to see more.

Okay. Ms Fine, who claims to review each submission, apparently thought Deadly Sparking Diamonds had potential. But then again, maybe I was being too harsh. Perhaps there's a demand for the "advenutres" of secret-agent housewives. Manuscripts can be edited, after all.

So what would the NYLA refuse? Illiteracy didn't seem to bother them much. How about something potentially libellous? I tried again.

The Title of Your Work: The Orlandinator

Synopsis: A comedy / thriller / action novel with a superb twist. Orlando Bloom plays a crazed cyborg from the future who is sent back in time to kill the real Orlando Bloom just as he starts work on Pirates of the Caribbean. Mayhem ensues! I think New Line Cinema will be very interested in this, but I'd like to put it out as a book first.

Your Bio: For a start, I'm a huge Orlando Bloom fan! But seriously, I've been writing "Bloom" short stories seriously for about two years. I've not had a huge amount of success with my "Bloom Fiction", or my longer tales, the "Bloomellas", but the fan base is certainly there. Millions of fans across the world are waiting for this stuff and can't find it in bookshops. It's an untapped market! This is my first "Blook", as I like to call it, but I'm hoping to write more.

I really thought I'd gone too far with this one. It appears to be to be a weird hybrid of a book and a movie. I don't care how well written this "blook" is, no publisher, from sea to shining sea, would touch it (well, perhaps there's one, but that's another story). About two days later, an email arrived.

Thank you for your query to the New York Literary Agency. Based on your query form information we would like to see more.

Yep. The NYLA thinks they might be able to sell The Orlandinator. Good news, but not for Orlando. At this point a thought struck me.

Was anyone actually reading these queries?

What if... No, the idea was ridiculous. And yet, I couldn't think of another explanation for what had happened. What if the NYLA's query review process was automated? Did every writer who submitted a synopsis get the same positive feedback? Was there no selection process at all?

Was Ms Fine actually there?

It seemed important to find out.

For my final submission, I enlisted the help of a good friend. Tess is a newcomer to writing fiction, so I helped her with the title, but the synopsis and biography are all her own work. For these she came up with:

Synopsis: zduhfayd7yflm
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u8uekjiudeakulswdeaqluiko
kd,l.kjd

Bio:dckksdilreiisjf
c,,cnmddpw3k,d
ldmdm ddmk,jcl. dlmdlmdl,s;s
ssksjm

Sadly, there's nowhere on the NYLA site to upload an author's picture, so I'll post it here instead.







The agency automaton got back to us with the speed and professionalism I'd come to expect.

Thank you for your query to the New York Literary Agency. Based on your query form information we would like to see more.

Tess is, of course, delighted. She'll be starting her first novel as soon as she gets back from walkies.